Why…Just Why? ALASKA MONSTERS

ALASKA MONSTERS

image-placeholder

Website at Destination America 

(0/5) bogus

Pros: May amuse some people, though that may be an indication that there’s no longer any hope left for humanity

Cons: Completely…utterly…hopelessly unnecessary, phonier than a three dollar bill, and dumber than five boxes of rocks

Another week; another positively ludicrous phony monster hunt program. Alaska Monsters is the Destination America channel’s latest entry in the crypto-reality genre, following the exploits of a monster hunting crew located in the “last frontier” of the forty-ninth state. As has come to be the norm, we have the usual gang of characters: team leader “Little Bear,” a trap engineer named Todd, tech specialist Levi, a fellow named Rhett who’s billed as the “rookie,” a trapper named “Face” who’s the obvious “wild card” of the group and finally, a “researcher” who goes by the name of – get ready for it – “Crusty.” This gang, known as the “Midnight Sons” has been tracking creatures in Alaska since 2008 (at least if you believe anything this show is trying to tell you), and in the first episode of the reality show revolving around them, go in search of Alaska’s Bigfoot-like creature that’s known locally as the “Wild Man.”

first episode
On the first episode of Alaska Monsters, the team searches for “security expert” Huckleberry. Wait…that ain’t right…

The program follows the now very well-established monster hunt formula to a ‘T’: it starts with the initial night “recon” mission, involves a few eyewitness accounts (one of whom declares he was “out here gettin’ wood with my dog…” sounds like a personal problem), and sputters towards a final “midnight hunt” that puts the team directly in the path of an imaginary beast created solely through dubbed-in sound effects and blank expressions of fear from the actors…er…team members. Alaska Monsters seems a bit more modern in terms of the gear used during the investigations featured on it: in this first episode, the team not only utilizes night vision and FLIR infrared technology, but also a small drone with a camera mounted on it to survey the nearby landscape. This allows the seemingly misplaced Levi character (who seems not at all at home alongside a group of people one would expect to see waiting in line at the local soup kitchen) a sense of purpose in the show. Rhett, on the other hand, has nary a thing to do throughout the program and I’m not even sure that he takes part in the final night investigation that mainly involves the team tramping around a saw mill with firearms at the ready. After some obviously scripted “suspense” (“Oh no! A production assistant is shaking this blind I’m sitting in!”) and plenty of dubious acting on the part of the cast, the team walks away without a single solitary piece of evidence relating to the creature they’ve been pursuing. The show (like every episode of Mountain Monsters) ends with the crew making vague insinuations and wisecracks about the existence of the creature in an attempt to convince a viewer that he hasn’t just witnessed a load of complete bullshit.

supposedly scary scene
This poorly concocted, “scary” scene stands as the premiere episode’s climax.

It really is astonishing to me that somewhere, some network executive is giving each and every one of these absolutely ridiculous and devastatingly pointless monster programs the green light – and actually spending some money on their production. The ultimate sad fact about shows like this one, Monsters Underground, Swamp Monsters and Mountain Monsters (which lost all credibility or, more importantly, sense of fun it once had during a painful to behold second season) is that they make shows like Destination Truth and even Finding Bigfoot look not only like top-notch entertainment but actually, undeniably credible. Let’s not forget that Destination Truth’s host Josh Gates wasn’t at all afraid to admit that he found no evidence of the at best rare and more probably completely imaginary creatures he was seeking and Finding Bigfoot still has not one solid bit of evidence after five full seasons. The notion of a monster hunt program that doesn’t instantaneously come up with a creature seems almost preposterous in context of this new breed of monster hunt programs exemplified by any of the Mountain Monsters clones that not only invents fictitious and frequently outlandish beasts, but then tries extremely hard through glaringly phony video evidence, sketchy eyewitness reports, and falsified, scripted scenarios to convince the audience of their actual flesh and blood existence. I’m kind of scared to see what happens on the next season of Finding Bigfoot: will that show even continue when it becomes impossible to ignore the fact that there’s still nothing on the hill?

squatch

After an overload of absurdly similar and increasingly worthless programs, I would hope that most people would recognize the fact that very few of these monster-related shows are even making any attempt to be authentic in their presentation of content. Hence, it’s impossible for any savvy viewer to take these shows as anything except entertainment – they clearly are not documentaries. That said, it’s surprising how lousy most of them are in the entertainment department, and I think most of that is directly related to the fact that there is absolutely no originality to these shows. Alaska Monsters is a carbon copy of Mountain Monsters, a fact which is best exhibited by examining the characters. Trap builder Todd (much in the way his counterpart Willy does in Mountain Monsters) sets about building the most outrageously elaborate and positively impractical traps one could possibly imagine. In order to catch a Bigfoot-like creature, Todd constructs a “cylinder snare trap” – basically a huge tube with a system in place to close metal wire around a creature trapped inside of it. Why any beast would actually go inside this contraption in the first place is never explained (do these “expert trackers” not realize that their human stench would be hanging over this device like a fog?), and it’s no surprise when something goes wrong with the mechanics of the device and it’s not actually unusable.

acting
ACTING!

Additionally, we have smarmy narration provided by the appropriately named “Crusty,” a guy who seems vaguely unlikable and sleazy (or maybe it’s just that I can’t see the fashion value of the animal claw he wears in his thick, bushy beard) and “Face,” the obligatory “wild card” character who talks in a raspy, cartoonish voice and achieves moments of enlightenment when discussing wild man “doo doo” and imitating Fred Flintstone. I couldn’t possibly make this stuff up. The characters here seem way too “hammy” and almost make Vincent Price performances from the 1970s look restrained in comparison. All in all, there’s simply no way one could take anything in Alaska Monsters seriously – not when “Little Bear,” sporting an outfit that makes him look like a complete d-bag, starts mystically playing a pitch pipe around a campfire and discusses his tendency to “burn sage.” Seriously, where’s Bobo and Ranae when you need them?

little bear
So…”Little Bear” (in center) is wearing ass-less chaps, some sort of fur stole, a cowboy hat with the face of a small weasel on it, a fistful of gold rings, and a big, blinging medallion shaped like either a grizzly bear or a domestic hog. And we’re supposed to take this show at all seriously.

I’ve gotten to the point where there’s no way to even describe how atrocious shows like Alaska Monsters really are: this fails horribly as a monster-related program due to not having one iota of credibility, but even as the trashy, clinically dumb piece of populist entertainment that it is, it’s a complete waste, way too similar to other monster hunt shows that any viewer who watches this program probably would be familiar with. The producers don’t seem to be aware of the fact that they’re running this genre of television into the ground through pure, unadulterated, unchecked overkill, and I sincerely hope that someone behind the scenes is making hay while the sun shines, because the genre of the crypto-reality show is very quickly outlasting its relevance and has already overstayed its welcome. Programs like Alaska Monsters not only seem entirely capable of ruining anyone viewer’s interest in the subject of cryptozoology, but make me long for a program where a mysterious creature isn’t instantly located by a group of morons whose idea of “tracking” a creature is whooping, hollering, screaming, and careening through the forest while explaining each and every obvious move they’re making to an audience who is well aware of the absurdity of what they’re watching. I also don’t need any scenes of hobo-looking fellas giving each other a brofist each time they make a smart-ass, scripted remark about a fantasy creature. I never thought I’d say it, but I’m actually looking forward to the new season of Finding Bigfoot just to provide some sort of balance to a genre that’s well out of control at this point – better prepare the lifeboats just in case though…

26 thoughts on “Why…Just Why? ALASKA MONSTERS”

    1. This show is phony as all get out! I have lived here over 30 years and have NEVER heard of the “Klondike Crawler” or “Zone 9”. As an Alaskan it is embarrassing.

      And why is it they all have a thick Southern accent? I highly doubt these guys even live here.

      Extremely bad acting. For all that think this is what living in Alaska is like, don’t believe one second of this trash show.

      1. This show and other shows like it is an insult to my intelligence just by surfing channels an happen to stop and watch it for 30 seconds, there are no Bigfoot jerk offs!!! Why do they allow this kind of trash on tv, this show is worse than watching “being Bobby brown”, it sucks, I want to slash my wrists!!! Auuuggggghhh!!!

      2. I’m with you LongtimeAlaskan.
        These Idiots should not even be allowed to handle FIREARMS. They are going to shoot one of themselves the way the carry on.
        What a waste of time and I’m glad other see it and its not just my imagination playing tricks on me.

        Wreckdiver
        New Brunswick, Canada

  1. I thought Mountain Monsters was bad, but this was even worse. I find the regional myths behind some of these stories interesting, but I can’t get past the stupidity.

    1. You said it. Mountain Monsters got old really fast once one realized that the scriptwriters were only going to push a viewer’s suspension of disbelief way beyond the breaking point.

      This crop of Mountain Monsters clones don’t make any attempt at credibility or level-headed presentation. Complete garbage from top to bottom. It blows my mind this trash would even be produced let alone be something anyone would honestly want to watch. I really hope this kinda stuff isn’t an indication of where American Television as a whole is heading…

      Thanks for reading, and for the comment; Cheers!

    2. Mountian Monsters, Alaska Monsters,Finding Big foot, ALL STUPID!!!those shows would insult the intelligence of a 8 year old. I recently watched an episode of finding Big Foot,the crew is wandering around in the day placing “food bombs” all around while one of the the other crew members of this bunch of morons is in an airplane flying low just above the trees tops buzzing the entire area!If there were a big foot within 20 miles it was long gone after those of idiots were done.Any one could make a better show than this!

  2. I just watched the second episode, which was even more stupid than the first. Next week the team will be hunting the “Otterman,” which I can only assume will be a furry, eight-foot creature that lies on its back, and cracks open seafood on its stomach!

    I have to admit that it’s good for a laugh, but makes Gilligan’s Island look like reality t.v!

    1. Face cackling “Come back here, you dumb kid” or any number of other asinine statements does demonstrate that the show can be good for a laugh or five, but I’m not sure that the (unintentionally??) humorous moments make up for the brain cells lost each time someone sits through the program.

      I’d honestly rather watch Gilligan’s Island than any of this new breed of monster hunt shows. How much more pathetic can they honestly get?

      Cheers!

    2. Mountian Monsters is just a bunch of out of hillbillys with nothing to do but waste other peoples time,it’s the same every episode,talk to the locals,walk around the area in the day,build a trap ,go back at night,jump at any noise they hear,hop in the side by side hooting and hollering,sure in the fact they are chasing the “creature” into the trap etc,etc etc.really STUPID!

  3. LOL Sorry folks but it’s so stupid I love it! It’s the new version of the Keystone Cops Hillbilly style! Just look at it, their running around just about bouncing of one another with loaded shotguns (I know there not loaded?) but most likely with rock salt yelling and screaming, run over here naw over here, there ya go right there. The creatures lol what an imagination! Holy crap I could have never thought up something like that a creature that’s 10 feet tall about 900 lbs with long scraggly hair and fangs hanging down, holy shit!!! The last creature escaped right in front of the, it even left a fire trail behind it lol fire trail or a Blue Darter? LOL Got to Love it!!

  4. Thank You!!! Everything I was thinking and more. It has gotten way out of hand. The BIGGEST thing I hate about everyone of these shows is the very minute they actually get some action they dismissed the whole case and go on to their next destination in some other part of the country. Like maybe just maybe if they stayed a couple of weeks, shoot even 2-3 months they really might find the guy in the suit, or the real bigfoot.

  5. I also find a lot of this fake but you went a little far. You obviously have no clue what your talking about when it comes to hunting predators especially
    In Alaska and especially when using a trap. They are purposely making all these crazy noises to try to intimidate the predator and drive him towards the trap. A lot of these monsters do seem really phony but there is nothing phony about a 500lb wolf or a 2500lb bear that is 6ft at the shoulders. Even a white tiger is not that bizarre. Yes otter man seemed quite far fetched among other things. I do agree that if it’s on tv it is obviously scripted or at least the footage is edited. If the footage is in Alaska then the guns are real with real loads because no one in they’re right mind would go into the Alaskan woods at night without the proper firepower.

  6. I actually could feel brain cells dying when I watched this crap…not even entertaining. Absolute stupidity to the enth degree. Have we as human lost our damn minds? Are there that many stupid people to constitute the production of this crap? There probably is and that is the scariest thing. Much scarier than things that go bump in the night….

  7. Also, if you truly are hunting an elusive 1000 lb 8′ tall beast with a nasty attitude, then BE QUIET!!! You would have to go in quiet and probably stay in the same area and keep still and quiet for hours upon hours and maybe even days. Funny how they seem to be on its heels through the whole damn show. Fine, sit still and shut the hell up! Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find what you’re looking for, but you aren’t going to find anything yelling, screaming, high fiving, running, falling, laughing, whooping, and carrying on like a bunch of drunken wild animals with GUNS! Who gives these jackasses guns to run around with? Omg no way do these guys get a gun if I’m within 100 miles of these idiots if I was on the film crew..Hell no lol

  8. I’ve had the latest bigfoot episode on for 6 minutes, and my IQ has already dropped so many points, I can’t use the remote to turn this shit off.

    This is absolute drek, and I’m starting a petition to have anyone involved thrown into an active volcano.

  9. I came in search of info on Alaska Monsters, which I am watching right now. It seemed so identical to Mountain Monsters I was curious to find out if both shows were by the same producers. Both shows follow the same format. Yes, it has always seemed a little over the top to me, with the cast of both shows running through the woods yelling and hollering at the tops of their lungs. Any “monster” or creature in a 10 mile radius would be getting the h*ll away from them with all of that racket going on. The thought has always crossed my mind, it helps if the hunter is more intelligent than his prey, and in both cases I think the monster has abundantly more marbles.

    Yes, I believe they exist. Throughout history there have been way too many sightings for them to be a hoax. The same as aliens, who have their share of skeptics as well, but history has shown they have been seen over and over since the 1940s, and ancient cave drawings suggest they’ve been around for 1000s of years. It is my belief these “monsters” are some kind of alien life form who live underground. Why not? Scientists know tons more about outer space than they know about our own planet beneath our feet and oceans.

    As for the way the cast of these shows dress, they may seem odd to city folks or people who have never met people like this, but keep in mind this world is diverse, and people dress the way they want, and many times not the way we’re familiar with.

    Finally, even though these shows are ridiculous, don’t be so quick to discount the existence of other life forms. How do we know they’re not real? It’s easy to say it’s fake because of how crazy these guys act. But I choose to keep an open mind.

  10. This is a TV show, who doesn’t know this? This is entertainment, nothing more, nothing less. If you look, at the end of every episode (of MM at least) it says “There were no animals HUNTED or harmed during the making of this show”. So for anyone to be shocked this is make believe, some bad news for you… Buffy is NOT a Vampire Hunter, however, Dr. Ken who plays a Doctor, actually is a Doctor, but it’s still a show. Crazy huh?

    This show is meant to be watched, while your belief is suspended, like every other non-documentary. Oh, the ” ghost and demon” shows also NOT REAL.

    1. My main problem with shows of this ilk is that they play on channels once designated for programs that actually had educational value. My hope is that the average viewer of programming like this (or political commentary for that matter) is aware of what they are actually watching and don’t just buy into everything/anything they see.

      Thanks for the comment; Cheers!

  11. I tried to watch one episode. Your write up is 10 times more entertaining than the show was. That’s insulting that they expect people to believe the show is real. Wow

Leave a Reply